Couple things about the song I posted last night, Tiny Footprints...
After playing it a few times today I realized it was too long. Even for a solo artist/performer such as myself I felt like the audience would drift off with each ensuing verse. When I was writing last night, I though it would be cool to repeat the third line of each verse and then slightly change the line with each succeeding verse. Today it just looked and sounded like I was saying almost the same thing twice in each verse. So...
SNIP!
I reduced the lyrics by almost half. A very drastic, hard and rare thing for me to do, but when I played the song again... viola. Seemed to hold my attention much better as the subject matter moved along nicely now (not to mention that it comes in at around 3:45 now... ideal if you ask me). Also, there are small instrumental breaks in between some of the verses. This one just didn't seem like it needed a chorus or bridge, but we'll see.
Finally, I don't think the working title "Grandfather Song" will be the final title. I usually try to lift the title right out of the chorus. It's hard, with an A-A-A-A-A song to find a suitable title, however. A couple possible title ideas:
Tiny Footprints
Footprints on the Floor
I Wish That Time Would Just Slow Down
Here are the edited lyrics, btw:
Tiny Footprints (working title)
words and music by John Natiw
07_0821_Tiny_Footprints.WMA [scratch recording]
There are tiny footprints on my floor
I don't remember seeing them before
Ooh, I wish that time would just slow down
There are tiny footprints on my floor
There are just too many things to do
A lunch to make and then it's off to school
Ooh, I wish that girl would just grow up
There are just too many things to do
[break]
There's a strange car out there in the drive
I knew someday this moment would arrive
Ooh, I wish that boy would just go home
There's a strange car out there in the drive
Now the girl is all dressed up in white
Next to her is standing "Mr. Right"
Ooh, I wish the girl would just come home
Now the girl is all dressed up in white
[break]
She smiles at me and says that she'll be fine
The doctor says these things just take some time
Ooh, I wish the time would just fly by
She smiles at me and says that she'll be fine
There's the sound of crying down the hall
Emotions that I vaguely can recall
Ooh, I wish that time would just slow down
There's the sound of crying down the hall
[break]
(reprise)
There are tiny footprints on the floor
I don't remember seeing them before
Ooh, I wish that time would just slow down
There are tiny footprints on the floor
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UPDATE - Monday, August 20: Slept on this one again last night after playing it a few dozen more times yesterday with the lyrics edited. Much better. However, I'm still entertaining the idea of writing a bridge for this one, making it either a fairly common "A-A-B-A" song (e.g. Saving All My Love for You, The Way We Were, Yesterday, Somewhere Over the Rainbow) or maybe even a rarer "A-A-B-A-B-A" song (e.g. I'll Follow the Sun, Hey Jude, Long and Winding Road). Also, I'm not entirely sure that there doesn't need to be some re-writing done in the lyrics. I'll keep singing it and, hopefully, play it out live next month and get some feedback. Be back soon...
J
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UPDATE - Monday, August 20: Edit to add "Mr. Right" stanza.
J
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UPDATE - Tuesday, August 21: To add link to WMA file. Have a listen!
J
6 comments:
I vote "Tiny Footprints" (even thought it was opened to a vote).
Your edit was great. I liked some of the verses you cut, but it seems that you made some good choices to move the storyline forward.
It's so subjective...but subjectively it looks like you made some great choices.
BTW, I think you second post about this song is awesome! I think that's what this blog is all about: being transparent in the writing process.
Thanks for taking risks.
Thanks Steve. I like "Tiny Footprints" too. We'll see.
The edit was tough. The problem was that, as you mentioned, the story was stagnant. Now... in the end, there may not be that much less content when I'm done, but the story moves along nicely.
I never know how much to open up about "the process". In this forum, I'm inclined to be fairly free in sharing info about how I get there. If it helps someone else, cool. But it may help me, as well, to explicitly express how I feel about certain things as then progress.
Thanks for the love, man.
J
Btw.... I posted a recording of this one this afternoon. It ain't much (recorded on the little digital recorder), but you'll get the flavor.
Out,
J
This recording sounds great! It gets across the idea and you can clearly hear all the guitar parts and melodies.
I have one critique that stuck out to me...the second verse. The first time I heard it it sounded weird.
I just read it and I see how it works as a "slant rhyme". I'm wondering if there's a clearer "ooh" sounding word that you could replace it with. I only thought this because most of your other rhymes seem more "pure" in their endings.
I love the story of this song. Reminds me of Cat and the Cradle (is that the title? ) Do you know aht song I'm talking about?
Thanks Steve! You'll have to tell me more about the second verse. I don't get what you're saying. I use "ooh" in all the verses. It's not meant to rhyme with anything, but I'm not sure that's what you're talking about. Maybe the word "school"? Lemme know...
Cat's in the Cradle is one of my favorite Harry Chapin songs. This tune is similar in thinking about our kids growing up, but I think it's not quite as dark. The whole "my boy, is just like me" thing.
Thanks for the love, man. I truly appreciate the note. And you're right. As the good book says... Iron sharpens Iron!
Let me know what you meant about the second verse, 'k?
J
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