The Hard Work of Rewriting

I don't enjoy rewriting. But when I arrive at the better lyric, the more apt phrase, it all seems worth it.

I've rewritten a lyric tonight and I'm much happier with the finished lines.
I'd share it, but it's too fresh and I'm thinking I may regret it in the morning.

We'll see how it pans out.

:)


**EDIT 6/12/08**

Here's the original lyric (and the original song can be found here):

There was a wise man on a hill who once said
things fall apart, degrade and disappear
Now carry me down this hill to your town
I'll tell you why we're all here

So I carried him on my back for miles
As I labored he still carried on
'bout seeds and how one day I'd wish
I had a bucket full of them


How do we fit into this Earth?
Have we been wanderin' since our birth?
And once I get there what am I supposed to do?
That's something I'm hoping you could tell me too


When we got there he sat in a chair
The kind with springs all sticking out
He leaned forward and caught my eye
And then he opened up his mouth

We are diamonds, we are pearls
Lost treasures in this coal-mine world
If we never step outside ourselves
How can we be so sure? **weak melody line here**


How do we fit into this Earth?
Have we been wanderin' since our birth?
And once I get there what am I supposed to do?
That's something I'm hoping you could tell

How do we fit into this Earth?
Have we been wanderin' since our birth?
And once I get there what am I supposed to do?
That's something I'm hoping you could tell me too
That's something I'm hoping you could tell me too




Now, the revised lyric (bold parts have been changed in some way):



There was a wise man on a hill who
once said things fall apart, degrade and disappear
Now carry me down this hill to your town
I’ll tell you why we’re all here

So I carried him on my back for miles
As I labored in the dust and heat
and the questions filling up my mind
like water drops into the sea



How do we fit into this Earth?
Have we been wanderin’ since our birth?
And once I get there what am I supposed to do?
That’s something I’m hoping you could tell me too


When we got there he sat in a chair
The kind with springs all sticking out
He leaned forward, caught my eye and
then he opened up his mouth

We are diamonds, we are pearls
Lost treasures in this coal-mine world
the pressure and uncertainty
that’s all we are guaranteed


How do we fit into this Earth?
Have we been wanderin’ since our birth?
And once I get there what am I supposed to do?
That’s something I’m hoping you could tell

How do we fit into this Earth?
Have we been wanderin’ since our birth?
And once I get there what am I supposed to do?
That’s something I’m hoping you could tell me too
That’s something I’m hoping you could tell me too


The second verse ("we are diamonds, we are pearls") gave me much more trouble. Here are all the other lines I attempted. I'm not saying this song is done yet either, just that I'm happier now than I was before.

These lyrics would replace the spot of "the pressure and uncertainty" lines...

then he stood and uttered one last word
but he whispered so I never heard…



like a bird that needs it’s wings to fly
your questions help you redefine



like a bird that needs the sky above
but first you’re gonna need a shove



I just didn't like the "like a bird" metaphor, so I decided to can it and move on to something that somehow related to the original comparison of people to diamonds and pearls (and coal). Pressure makes coal into diamonds...hmmm...pressure and uncertainty, those things make us grow.

Yep. There's the inner working of my brain. I can't tell you how long it took to do this. You would think a few minutes...

:) More like an hour or two. Was it worth it?

Constructive Editing

Couple things about the song I posted last night, Tiny Footprints...

After playing it a few times today I realized it was too long. Even for a solo artist/performer such as myself I felt like the audience would drift off with each ensuing verse. When I was writing last night, I though it would be cool to repeat the third line of each verse and then slightly change the line with each succeeding verse. Today it just looked and sounded like I was saying almost the same thing twice in each verse. So...

SNIP!

I reduced the lyrics by almost half. A very drastic, hard and rare thing for me to do, but when I played the song again... viola. Seemed to hold my attention much better as the subject matter moved along nicely now (not to mention that it comes in at around 3:45 now... ideal if you ask me). Also, there are small instrumental breaks in between some of the verses. This one just didn't seem like it needed a chorus or bridge, but we'll see.

Finally, I don't think the working title "Grandfather Song" will be the final title. I usually try to lift the title right out of the chorus. It's hard, with an A-A-A-A-A song to find a suitable title, however. A couple possible title ideas:

Tiny Footprints
Footprints on the Floor
I Wish That Time Would Just Slow Down

Here are the edited lyrics, btw:

Tiny Footprints (working title)
words and music by John Natiw

07_0821_Tiny_Footprints.WMA [scratch recording]

There are tiny footprints on my floor
I don't remember seeing them before
Ooh, I wish that time would just slow down
There are tiny footprints on my floor

There are just too many things to do
A lunch to make and then it's off to school
Ooh, I wish that girl would just grow up
There are just too many things to do

[break]

There's a strange car out there in the drive
I knew someday this moment would arrive
Ooh, I wish that boy would just go home
There's a strange car out there in the drive

Now the girl is all dressed up in white
Next to her is standing "Mr. Right"
Ooh, I wish the girl would just come home
Now the girl is all dressed up in white

[break]

She smiles at me and says that she'll be fine
The doctor says these things just take some time
Ooh, I wish the time would just fly by
She smiles at me and says that she'll be fine

There's the sound of crying down the hall
Emotions that I vaguely can recall
Ooh, I wish that time would just slow down
There's the sound of crying down the hall

[break]

(reprise)

There are tiny footprints on the floor
I don't remember seeing them before
Ooh, I wish that time would just slow down
There are tiny footprints on the floor
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UPDATE - Monday, August 20: Slept on this one again last night after playing it a few dozen more times yesterday with the lyrics edited. Much better. However, I'm still entertaining the idea of writing a bridge for this one, making it either a fairly common "A-A-B-A" song (e.g. Saving All My Love for You, The Way We Were, Yesterday, Somewhere Over the Rainbow) or maybe even a rarer "A-A-B-A-B-A" song (e.g. I'll Follow the Sun, Hey Jude, Long and Winding Road). Also, I'm not entirely sure that there doesn't need to be some re-writing done in the lyrics. I'll keep singing it and, hopefully, play it out live next month and get some feedback. Be back soon...
J
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UPDATE - Monday, August 20: Edit to add "Mr. Right" stanza.
J
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UPDATE - Tuesday, August 21: To add link to WMA file. Have a listen!
J