The Hard Work of Rewriting

I don't enjoy rewriting. But when I arrive at the better lyric, the more apt phrase, it all seems worth it.

I've rewritten a lyric tonight and I'm much happier with the finished lines.
I'd share it, but it's too fresh and I'm thinking I may regret it in the morning.

We'll see how it pans out.

:)


**EDIT 6/12/08**

Here's the original lyric (and the original song can be found here):

There was a wise man on a hill who once said
things fall apart, degrade and disappear
Now carry me down this hill to your town
I'll tell you why we're all here

So I carried him on my back for miles
As I labored he still carried on
'bout seeds and how one day I'd wish
I had a bucket full of them


How do we fit into this Earth?
Have we been wanderin' since our birth?
And once I get there what am I supposed to do?
That's something I'm hoping you could tell me too


When we got there he sat in a chair
The kind with springs all sticking out
He leaned forward and caught my eye
And then he opened up his mouth

We are diamonds, we are pearls
Lost treasures in this coal-mine world
If we never step outside ourselves
How can we be so sure? **weak melody line here**


How do we fit into this Earth?
Have we been wanderin' since our birth?
And once I get there what am I supposed to do?
That's something I'm hoping you could tell

How do we fit into this Earth?
Have we been wanderin' since our birth?
And once I get there what am I supposed to do?
That's something I'm hoping you could tell me too
That's something I'm hoping you could tell me too




Now, the revised lyric (bold parts have been changed in some way):



There was a wise man on a hill who
once said things fall apart, degrade and disappear
Now carry me down this hill to your town
I’ll tell you why we’re all here

So I carried him on my back for miles
As I labored in the dust and heat
and the questions filling up my mind
like water drops into the sea



How do we fit into this Earth?
Have we been wanderin’ since our birth?
And once I get there what am I supposed to do?
That’s something I’m hoping you could tell me too


When we got there he sat in a chair
The kind with springs all sticking out
He leaned forward, caught my eye and
then he opened up his mouth

We are diamonds, we are pearls
Lost treasures in this coal-mine world
the pressure and uncertainty
that’s all we are guaranteed


How do we fit into this Earth?
Have we been wanderin’ since our birth?
And once I get there what am I supposed to do?
That’s something I’m hoping you could tell

How do we fit into this Earth?
Have we been wanderin’ since our birth?
And once I get there what am I supposed to do?
That’s something I’m hoping you could tell me too
That’s something I’m hoping you could tell me too


The second verse ("we are diamonds, we are pearls") gave me much more trouble. Here are all the other lines I attempted. I'm not saying this song is done yet either, just that I'm happier now than I was before.

These lyrics would replace the spot of "the pressure and uncertainty" lines...

then he stood and uttered one last word
but he whispered so I never heard…



like a bird that needs it’s wings to fly
your questions help you redefine



like a bird that needs the sky above
but first you’re gonna need a shove



I just didn't like the "like a bird" metaphor, so I decided to can it and move on to something that somehow related to the original comparison of people to diamonds and pearls (and coal). Pressure makes coal into diamonds...hmmm...pressure and uncertainty, those things make us grow.

Yep. There's the inner working of my brain. I can't tell you how long it took to do this. You would think a few minutes...

:) More like an hour or two. Was it worth it?